friday the 13th

People always talk about Friday the 13th as being an unlucky day.  The movies are scary, sure, if I remember correctly, but what is it that makes us so wary?  According to Wikipedia, there is little evidence or written record to show a superstition about the day before the 19th or 20th century.  I thought it was interesting.

Anyway ... I've decided to declare Friday the 13th my lucky day.

5/13/2011 - the first Friday the 13th I remember for its significant date - I learned that I had a brain tumor.  You would think this would forever tarnish the date or support the superstition, but I am choosing to look at it as a lucky day.  I finally learned what was wrong with me, and that it could be fixed.  And it WAS fixed.

4/13/2012 - I was terrified going to my appointment with the medical oncologist, since the last time I saw a doctor on a Friday the 13th I got some crappy news.  This time, though, my doc told me that he doesn't need to see me anymore and we can go ahead and call me CURED.  Take that, Friday the 13th!  Where's your bad luck now?

7/13/2012 - I didn't even realize there was a Friday the 13th this month until, what, yesterday?  Kelly texted and invited the boys to see the new Ice Age movie with her family today.  Since they are with her (and I am certain they are loving every minute, they have really missed Kelly and her two lovelies), I have had a day to take care of myself and errands and not drag children with me.  Plus I got to have an "adults only" lunch with Scott and eat some yummy sushi.  Oh, and I was able to go to the grocery store by myself.  You KNOW that is a celebration!

So, yeah, Friday the 13th is my day.  I will own this day.  I only remember 3 of them (and one of them is happening right now, so that's not a big triumph, but whatever) but who cares?  I will not allow myself to fear a date on the calendar.  I'll use it as a way to find a celebration reason instead.  Way more fun.

the smallest moments...

...can be the biggest joys.  They can be forgotten quickly or remembered forever.

Colin just walked up to where I was sitting and reading.  Without words, he crawled up into my lap, wrapped his arms around my neck and curled into me.  After a sweet hug, he climbed down and went about his business.

Earlier today, while I was talking to my mom on the phone, I sprawled out on the couch.  Gavin climbed up onto the couch and stretched out along me, settling himself in for a snuggle.

I have to write these things down.  I know I feel right now that I will never, ever forget the feeling I get when my boys share their sweet little boy love with me, and I know that I have already forgotten a million other sweet moments I have shared with them as they have grown.  So I record what I can here and hope that I can hold on to these smallest moments for as long as I can.

summer, summer, summertime

The journey so far:

I joined Weight Watchers in September, and I've been using their online tools to keep track of what I eat and my activity/exercise ever since.  I've lost 33 pounds so far!  I started running in November, using the RunKeeper app on my phone to keep track of my runs, time my intervals, etc. as I did a walk-to-10K program.  In March, Uncle Lindsey came in town from Ohio and ran the Capitol 10K with me in Austin.  It was a blast!  A friend has a boot camp group at school that meets 2x a week after school for an hour.  I joined that group in the spring and did 2 6-week sessions.

Scott and I went to Europe in late April/early May, and while I was there I didn't track my food or go on any runs - but we did walk everywhere.  After I got back, I saw that even with all the good food I only gained a pound!  I got back on track counting points after my trip but I was a little spotty with running as frequently as I had been before the trip.  Getting sick after I was back in town messed things up, too, plus hot weather and the crazy-town that is the end of the school year.  Also, I am very good at excuses.  The truth is, honestly, I was tired of tracking food and running, and I didn't have a goal in mind (since the 10K had passed) so it was easier to say "forget it" and just watch TV.

Now I am home for the summer.  It occurred to me, even before summer officially began, that I needed to make a schedule for myself to hold myself accountable.  I haven't reached my original goals yet (I have a specific weight goal, and it's 10-15 pounds away).  I met my goal of running a 10K but now I have a newer goal - make running a permanent part of my lifestyle, whether I'm training for a specific race or not.  I want to do strength training.  Running is fantastic cardio and is great for helping me with weight loss, but I want to be stronger.  I want muscles!  Boot camp showed me that I can make a lot of progress, noticeable progress, and I want to keep that up.  So I came up with a schedule.

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I'm doing the workouts from Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred.  You are supposed to work out every day for 30 days, doing the same level 1 workout for 10 days, then level 2 every day for 10 days, then level 3 the last 10 days (they get progressively more difficult) but I have a couple of problems with this system - 1) I can't do the same things for 10 days.  In a row.  I would get bored, and then I would quit.  2) My muscles wouldn't have time to rest/recover in between.  I think that's an important part of working out; that recovery is when muscle rebuilds and gets stronger.  I decided to alternate the workouts, so I'm going between level one and level two right now.  When I'm stronger, I will add level three into the mix.  Right now, four days into it, I've done level 1 twice and level 2 twice.  It's a good fit for me right now - I can do the workouts, they are quick and effective, and I feel awesome (and noodly, with tired arms and legs) afterwards.

Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday I'm running.  Since I seem to do best with a prescribed program, I'm following the 8-week "run farther" program in the book Scott and I used for the walk to 10K program.  Working on slowly building myself up to run farther will get me ready to train for the half marathon I want to run in January.  At least, that's the plan.  I've been getting up early on Tuesdays and Thursdays to run before Scott has to leave for work.  Then he's home so the boys aren't alone and it's not so terribly hot outside yet, since the sun is not yet completely up.

I'm proud of myself for getting started.  That's always been the hardest part for me, getting started.  Once I get going, I can keep going.  If I stop, then I have to get started all over again - and that's hard.  So no stopping now!!

5 more days!

There are only 5 more school days left!  With kids, that is.  Then I am supposed to go back on the Tuesday after Memorial Day to finish up.  After that, school's out for summer!

Gavin graduated from Treasure Patch Kids last Tuesday.  I didn't take any pictures myself, since Scott had his big fancy camera with him and took all kinds of pictures and video, so as soon as he uploads pics and fiddles with them (as he usually does) I'll come back and post the cuteness.  He will now tell you "I'm in kindergarten now!" and he's excited to work on school-type things at home.  Today we spent time doing "math work" with manipulatives I brought home from my classroom I never use.  He got such a kick out of using the math tools!

Colin is a screamy mess these days.  Evenings are rough, especially around dinner.  He's been starting dinner with something rude ("I hate lah-sahg-nah!" was today's gem, complete with mean face and slamming his hand on the table for effect) and landing himself in time-out.  Then he'll sit in time-out crying and screaming ("I want my moommmmmmmyyyyyyyyy!") while he refuses to say he's sorry.  Then he gets up and tries to climb in my lap while crying.  Still no "I'm sorry" since he's stubbornly refusing (most likely, he's just not sorry).  I had to leave the kitchen today to get him to quit crying.  So now I'm typing here and he's coming in to report every few minutes how many bites he's finally eaten.  3 more and he can have some yogurt for dessert!

a few of the things I heard from the boys today...

I love you, Mom.

I wiped a booger on your shirt!

Good night, Mommy.

[smelling my hair] It smells like goat.

This is the best day ever!

[to his brother] Can we share that spy toy, please?

Mommy! My mommy's here!

I didn't want any covers!

Do we stay home all day tomorrow?  Saturday?  When's Saturday?  2 more days? Yay!!!

Mommy, will you please wind up the music bear for me?

outside in the afternoon

As I was getting Colin ready for his nap (thank the universe he still takes one in the afternoons!), Gavin came over with my camera and asked if he could take some pictures. He had a blast taking pictures in the back yard. I told him that we could pick his favorite to put online. Here it is:

I had to get in on the action, too, so I stole the camera for a quick shot of the 2 of us:

After picture taking lost its fun, Gavin finally decided he was ready to try jumping out of the swing. He's watched me do it a gazillion times, but he's always been a bit nervous to try it himself. Today was the day! After a step-by-step tutorial, of course :) Success!

hair

We women can get so very involved with our hair, can't we?

When I had my brain surgery, they had to do some shaving of the head. They shaved from the temple on my left side, close to the hairline on my forehead, then down behind my ear. That's where they had to cut into my head to take out the big honking tangerine sized mass I was evicting from my skull. Next step, bad ass stitches, leading directly to "oh a cool scar!" which I was able to show people for a while since all the hair had been shorn off. The healthy, no cut apart and resown together skin kept all of it's hair, and that hair continued to grow nicely. The shaved off just to make work room for the surgeon hair started and continued to grow also. Radiation therapy began about a month or so later, and that was 5 days a week for 6 weeks. It was, hmm, halfway through that treatment that I felt my first chunk of hair fall out. I was home alone, Scott was out of town, the boys were sleeping, and I was sitting on the couch by the window, reading quietly. I absentmindedly ran my hand through my hair, and my hand came away with a lock of hair that had very recently been attached to my scalp. I just held it out in front of me, unwary and unsure of what to do with it. I don't think I'll need a visual aid to remember losing that hair. I've got that memory quite well burned into my brain.

By the end of radiation I was pretty much finished with losing hair noticibly (I was almost completely bald on the right side of my face, hairline and nearly 2 inches out from the hairline were sparse. On the left side it was certainly there but not quite as naked and bald. I was amazingly lucky that I got to keep the rest of all that hair (I have quite a lot!), and it was time for scarves and bandanas and headbands. And hats.

As much as I hated even the thought of pictures of myself during the whole ordeal , I look back now and wish that someone hadn't listened to me. Because I couldn't see myself much in the hospital - they finally brought a mirror over so I could catch a glimpse of my swollen, torn-up self in the ICU.

I still, almost a year later, struggle with cameras and pictures. I need to document what I look like through all of these changes. My shorty short hairs are growing in, quickly, and in all different places and layers and even different colors/textures. Aside from my hair, I've also joined WeightWatchers and lost about 30lbs. I've started running. My life is changing, my body is changing, and my mind is changing.

As I was sitting in the bathroom this evening, pondering what to do to fix the wild mess that is the hair framing my face, it struck me how ridiculous I am. I have hair. It's got some issues, but I have hair, healthy beautiful hair. My scar, though it is so very cool to see, is hidden under all that hair.

I don't know why hemangiopericytoma decided it needed to get cozy inside my skull, so very cozy right up on my optic nerve. I don't know how hemangipericytoma works. My doctors do, though, so now that we're almost at the 1-year mark for removal of the tumor it's nearly time for a full body scan to see if that rat bastard tumor sent any friends out to hang on elsewhere inside this rockin hot bod. I see that doc on Friday the 13th and will report back.

It hit me today that things could have gone down an entirely different path. I do not frequently allow myself to walk the "could have been" road, because it opens floodgates of thoughts and feelings I usually do not allow myself to have. So, today, I thought about how thankful I am for all I have and for all that I am. I watched my kids through a different lens today, enjoying them with the understanding that I could have had to miss it all.

Life is a gift. A precious, delicate, smelly, nonsensical gift. Given with no direction or instruction, life begins and then we are cared for until we can more or less take care of ourselves, at which time we lose our minds and make more of ourselves that we then have to learn to care for, and the cycle goes on and on and on....

It's a gift. I have this gift now. For all I know, I will continue to enjoy this gift for many more decades. If, somehow, that changes, I want to know that I embraced my gift and my life.