Colin sings

Colin loves to sing.  For a while, after every bath he insisted that we snuggle and sing songs.  We'd do the ABC's, Itsy-Bitsy Spider, and always, always we would end with You Are My Sunshine.  C likes to add an extra repeat of the final line when he sings Sunshine.  Or, you know, 7 or 8.  He's thorough.

today

Colin was upset and crying a bit this morning, and as I was helping him into the car he told me "But I miss you!"  So sweet, so sad.  (The boys are at the sitter's house T-Th this week since I have workshops.)

Tonight, as I was giving Gavin his goodnight kiss and hug, he said to me "I could hug you forever."

friday the 13th

People always talk about Friday the 13th as being an unlucky day.  The movies are scary, sure, if I remember correctly, but what is it that makes us so wary?  According to Wikipedia, there is little evidence or written record to show a superstition about the day before the 19th or 20th century.  I thought it was interesting.

Anyway ... I've decided to declare Friday the 13th my lucky day.

5/13/2011 - the first Friday the 13th I remember for its significant date - I learned that I had a brain tumor.  You would think this would forever tarnish the date or support the superstition, but I am choosing to look at it as a lucky day.  I finally learned what was wrong with me, and that it could be fixed.  And it WAS fixed.

4/13/2012 - I was terrified going to my appointment with the medical oncologist, since the last time I saw a doctor on a Friday the 13th I got some crappy news.  This time, though, my doc told me that he doesn't need to see me anymore and we can go ahead and call me CURED.  Take that, Friday the 13th!  Where's your bad luck now?

7/13/2012 - I didn't even realize there was a Friday the 13th this month until, what, yesterday?  Kelly texted and invited the boys to see the new Ice Age movie with her family today.  Since they are with her (and I am certain they are loving every minute, they have really missed Kelly and her two lovelies), I have had a day to take care of myself and errands and not drag children with me.  Plus I got to have an "adults only" lunch with Scott and eat some yummy sushi.  Oh, and I was able to go to the grocery store by myself.  You KNOW that is a celebration!

So, yeah, Friday the 13th is my day.  I will own this day.  I only remember 3 of them (and one of them is happening right now, so that's not a big triumph, but whatever) but who cares?  I will not allow myself to fear a date on the calendar.  I'll use it as a way to find a celebration reason instead.  Way more fun.

the smallest moments...

...can be the biggest joys.  They can be forgotten quickly or remembered forever.

Colin just walked up to where I was sitting and reading.  Without words, he crawled up into my lap, wrapped his arms around my neck and curled into me.  After a sweet hug, he climbed down and went about his business.

Earlier today, while I was talking to my mom on the phone, I sprawled out on the couch.  Gavin climbed up onto the couch and stretched out along me, settling himself in for a snuggle.

I have to write these things down.  I know I feel right now that I will never, ever forget the feeling I get when my boys share their sweet little boy love with me, and I know that I have already forgotten a million other sweet moments I have shared with them as they have grown.  So I record what I can here and hope that I can hold on to these smallest moments for as long as I can.

summer, summer, summertime

The journey so far:

I joined Weight Watchers in September, and I've been using their online tools to keep track of what I eat and my activity/exercise ever since.  I've lost 33 pounds so far!  I started running in November, using the RunKeeper app on my phone to keep track of my runs, time my intervals, etc. as I did a walk-to-10K program.  In March, Uncle Lindsey came in town from Ohio and ran the Capitol 10K with me in Austin.  It was a blast!  A friend has a boot camp group at school that meets 2x a week after school for an hour.  I joined that group in the spring and did 2 6-week sessions.

Scott and I went to Europe in late April/early May, and while I was there I didn't track my food or go on any runs - but we did walk everywhere.  After I got back, I saw that even with all the good food I only gained a pound!  I got back on track counting points after my trip but I was a little spotty with running as frequently as I had been before the trip.  Getting sick after I was back in town messed things up, too, plus hot weather and the crazy-town that is the end of the school year.  Also, I am very good at excuses.  The truth is, honestly, I was tired of tracking food and running, and I didn't have a goal in mind (since the 10K had passed) so it was easier to say "forget it" and just watch TV.

Now I am home for the summer.  It occurred to me, even before summer officially began, that I needed to make a schedule for myself to hold myself accountable.  I haven't reached my original goals yet (I have a specific weight goal, and it's 10-15 pounds away).  I met my goal of running a 10K but now I have a newer goal - make running a permanent part of my lifestyle, whether I'm training for a specific race or not.  I want to do strength training.  Running is fantastic cardio and is great for helping me with weight loss, but I want to be stronger.  I want muscles!  Boot camp showed me that I can make a lot of progress, noticeable progress, and I want to keep that up.  So I came up with a schedule.

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I'm doing the workouts from Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred.  You are supposed to work out every day for 30 days, doing the same level 1 workout for 10 days, then level 2 every day for 10 days, then level 3 the last 10 days (they get progressively more difficult) but I have a couple of problems with this system - 1) I can't do the same things for 10 days.  In a row.  I would get bored, and then I would quit.  2) My muscles wouldn't have time to rest/recover in between.  I think that's an important part of working out; that recovery is when muscle rebuilds and gets stronger.  I decided to alternate the workouts, so I'm going between level one and level two right now.  When I'm stronger, I will add level three into the mix.  Right now, four days into it, I've done level 1 twice and level 2 twice.  It's a good fit for me right now - I can do the workouts, they are quick and effective, and I feel awesome (and noodly, with tired arms and legs) afterwards.

Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday I'm running.  Since I seem to do best with a prescribed program, I'm following the 8-week "run farther" program in the book Scott and I used for the walk to 10K program.  Working on slowly building myself up to run farther will get me ready to train for the half marathon I want to run in January.  At least, that's the plan.  I've been getting up early on Tuesdays and Thursdays to run before Scott has to leave for work.  Then he's home so the boys aren't alone and it's not so terribly hot outside yet, since the sun is not yet completely up.

I'm proud of myself for getting started.  That's always been the hardest part for me, getting started.  Once I get going, I can keep going.  If I stop, then I have to get started all over again - and that's hard.  So no stopping now!!

5 more days!

There are only 5 more school days left!  With kids, that is.  Then I am supposed to go back on the Tuesday after Memorial Day to finish up.  After that, school's out for summer!

Gavin graduated from Treasure Patch Kids last Tuesday.  I didn't take any pictures myself, since Scott had his big fancy camera with him and took all kinds of pictures and video, so as soon as he uploads pics and fiddles with them (as he usually does) I'll come back and post the cuteness.  He will now tell you "I'm in kindergarten now!" and he's excited to work on school-type things at home.  Today we spent time doing "math work" with manipulatives I brought home from my classroom I never use.  He got such a kick out of using the math tools!

Colin is a screamy mess these days.  Evenings are rough, especially around dinner.  He's been starting dinner with something rude ("I hate lah-sahg-nah!" was today's gem, complete with mean face and slamming his hand on the table for effect) and landing himself in time-out.  Then he'll sit in time-out crying and screaming ("I want my moommmmmmmyyyyyyyyy!") while he refuses to say he's sorry.  Then he gets up and tries to climb in my lap while crying.  Still no "I'm sorry" since he's stubbornly refusing (most likely, he's just not sorry).  I had to leave the kitchen today to get him to quit crying.  So now I'm typing here and he's coming in to report every few minutes how many bites he's finally eaten.  3 more and he can have some yogurt for dessert!

a few of the things I heard from the boys today...

I love you, Mom.

I wiped a booger on your shirt!

Good night, Mommy.

[smelling my hair] It smells like goat.

This is the best day ever!

[to his brother] Can we share that spy toy, please?

Mommy! My mommy's here!

I didn't want any covers!

Do we stay home all day tomorrow?  Saturday?  When's Saturday?  2 more days? Yay!!!

Mommy, will you please wind up the music bear for me?

outside in the afternoon

As I was getting Colin ready for his nap (thank the universe he still takes one in the afternoons!), Gavin came over with my camera and asked if he could take some pictures. He had a blast taking pictures in the back yard. I told him that we could pick his favorite to put online. Here it is:

I had to get in on the action, too, so I stole the camera for a quick shot of the 2 of us:

After picture taking lost its fun, Gavin finally decided he was ready to try jumping out of the swing. He's watched me do it a gazillion times, but he's always been a bit nervous to try it himself. Today was the day! After a step-by-step tutorial, of course :) Success!

hair

We women can get so very involved with our hair, can't we?

When I had my brain surgery, they had to do some shaving of the head. They shaved from the temple on my left side, close to the hairline on my forehead, then down behind my ear. That's where they had to cut into my head to take out the big honking tangerine sized mass I was evicting from my skull. Next step, bad ass stitches, leading directly to "oh a cool scar!" which I was able to show people for a while since all the hair had been shorn off. The healthy, no cut apart and resown together skin kept all of it's hair, and that hair continued to grow nicely. The shaved off just to make work room for the surgeon hair started and continued to grow also. Radiation therapy began about a month or so later, and that was 5 days a week for 6 weeks. It was, hmm, halfway through that treatment that I felt my first chunk of hair fall out. I was home alone, Scott was out of town, the boys were sleeping, and I was sitting on the couch by the window, reading quietly. I absentmindedly ran my hand through my hair, and my hand came away with a lock of hair that had very recently been attached to my scalp. I just held it out in front of me, unwary and unsure of what to do with it. I don't think I'll need a visual aid to remember losing that hair. I've got that memory quite well burned into my brain.

By the end of radiation I was pretty much finished with losing hair noticibly (I was almost completely bald on the right side of my face, hairline and nearly 2 inches out from the hairline were sparse. On the left side it was certainly there but not quite as naked and bald. I was amazingly lucky that I got to keep the rest of all that hair (I have quite a lot!), and it was time for scarves and bandanas and headbands. And hats.

As much as I hated even the thought of pictures of myself during the whole ordeal , I look back now and wish that someone hadn't listened to me. Because I couldn't see myself much in the hospital - they finally brought a mirror over so I could catch a glimpse of my swollen, torn-up self in the ICU.

I still, almost a year later, struggle with cameras and pictures. I need to document what I look like through all of these changes. My shorty short hairs are growing in, quickly, and in all different places and layers and even different colors/textures. Aside from my hair, I've also joined WeightWatchers and lost about 30lbs. I've started running. My life is changing, my body is changing, and my mind is changing.

As I was sitting in the bathroom this evening, pondering what to do to fix the wild mess that is the hair framing my face, it struck me how ridiculous I am. I have hair. It's got some issues, but I have hair, healthy beautiful hair. My scar, though it is so very cool to see, is hidden under all that hair.

I don't know why hemangiopericytoma decided it needed to get cozy inside my skull, so very cozy right up on my optic nerve. I don't know how hemangipericytoma works. My doctors do, though, so now that we're almost at the 1-year mark for removal of the tumor it's nearly time for a full body scan to see if that rat bastard tumor sent any friends out to hang on elsewhere inside this rockin hot bod. I see that doc on Friday the 13th and will report back.

It hit me today that things could have gone down an entirely different path. I do not frequently allow myself to walk the "could have been" road, because it opens floodgates of thoughts and feelings I usually do not allow myself to have. So, today, I thought about how thankful I am for all I have and for all that I am. I watched my kids through a different lens today, enjoying them with the understanding that I could have had to miss it all.

Life is a gift. A precious, delicate, smelly, nonsensical gift. Given with no direction or instruction, life begins and then we are cared for until we can more or less take care of ourselves, at which time we lose our minds and make more of ourselves that we then have to learn to care for, and the cycle goes on and on and on....

It's a gift. I have this gift now. For all I know, I will continue to enjoy this gift for many more decades. If, somehow, that changes, I want to know that I embraced my gift and my life.

not quite perfume...

The boys get so sweaty. Colin wakes up with damp, sweaty hair from his nap. Gavin plays outside for all of 3 minutes and he's dripping. In just a few years, that sweaty smell is going to become a stinky nastiness. I know this. So, for now, I am relishing the sweet smell of sweaty little boys.

Colin has always been snuggly. He'll run up - "Mommy, can I sit in your lap?" - during just about any activity. Just now, he climbed into my lap and happily sat there, playing with his fire truck, while I sniffed his sweaty little head. He's still soft and little-boyish, with those cheeks I still want to nom on. But he's thinning out as he gets taller.

Gavin's not as much of a snuggle bug as Colin, or he wasn't when he was littler, but he does enjoy a good cuddle and will ask "wanna snuggle?" whenever there's a chance (and no little brother around to get in the way) on the couch. He's getting to be all lines and angles as he gets bigger and more big-boyish, so it can be hard to really cuddle him, but I do my best to hold him as tight as I can.

It's so weird, I know, but I could sniff my little boys all day long. Well, except for when they emit certain smells, which is all too often, but that's an entirely different post......

potty training woes

The woes are all mine. Colin is doing a great job - he lets me know when he needs to go, he stays dry during naps and at night (though he's still in a pull-up at night, more for our sanity and peace of mind than anything else), all that.

BUT. He still needs help getting up on the toilet, so he can't go alone. He sits on a potty seat with a pee guard and he can't climb up without assistance. He won't direct his pee into the toilet himself so I can't take the pee guard off, unless I want pee spray all over my bathroom.

C wants to stand to pee now. Which is fantastic! Except that he likes to lean back while doing it, so he gets pee everywhere - back of the toilet, then dribbled down his legs and into his underwear.

I hereby relinquish hold of the potty training effort and pass the torch to Scott. He pees standing up, after all, and can pass on all of his wisdom to the next generation.

spring break day 1

When I put the boys to bed last night, I reassured them that they did not need to run in and wake me up in the morning - I'm on spring break, after all! - and that they could play in their room or the living room without alerting me to their status as awake.

This morning, I heard the *slam* of their door, followed by the slapslapslap of kid feet, that usually heralds the arrival of "MOM! I'M AWAKE!" and two big eyes staring at me by my nightstand. Today, though, the rude awakening didn't arrive. What I heard was a muffled sound of hand-held video games from the other room.

When Gavin got up a while later, he joined in the game playing on the other DS (thankyouSam). After a while he was upset by something (not sharing of a game? I dunno, I was in bed!) and I heard him announce "I'm going to get Mommy." Colin answered with "No you can not. Mommy is sleeping."

So Gavin stayed away, and they worked it out. By themselves. As I lay there in bed, I cherished that moment - because I know there will not be another like it for about 7 years - and enjoyed the extended stay in my bed. I didn't get up until 8am!!!!!

After a leisurely morning, it was time to get out of the house for a bit. The boys rode their scooters with me to the park. It was deserted so the kids had the run of the place.

Gavin tried climbing this thing the last time we went to the park, and he was terrified. I climbed it to show him it was okay, and it seemed to help him see that he'd be fine, and ever since he's been more and more sure of himself while climbing it. (I do not like ladders. That thing scares the bejeebus out of me. I'm so glad it's getting easier for him so I do not ever have to climb it, ever again.)

Very proud of himself up at the top!!


Colin still runs with his one arm pumping more than the other. I caught it in action!


They were playing pirates. Like Gavin's pirate "Argh!" face?

Here, after Colin tells us that a pirate says "Arrgh!" I ask him again what a pirate says. I'm looking for him to repeat "Ahoy ladies!" but with no luck. Maybe next time!

Colin's pirate voice is hilarious!

too soon

Tomorrow is Kinder Round-Up in RRISD.

Scott has signed up for a time to go in and register my baby for kindergarten. How is that possible?

I mean, yeah, he turned 5 in December and promptly lost 2 teeth. He can read the Bob books pretty easily. He can count to 100. He is learning to form letters and can already spell words orally (which means he's breaking my code, dammit).

It will be awesome to have him at school with me (he'll travel to my school rather than going to the neighborhood school). I will get to see him more and be more involved. That part, I am so very looking forward to. Also the learning thing. I'm a fan.

But the "being old enough for kindergarten" part? This whole school-age thing? For the birds.

ugh

So work sucked today. Really. I was there for 10 hours (6:30am-4:30pm), which is 2 hours longer than I'm "paid" for (I get there early, and I had a meeting go verrrry long), and it was a rough day in many ways. But I get summers off. Right?

Dinner was not high on my list of priorities today. I mean, it was, in that I was starving by the time I got the boys just before 5pm. And since we had to head back out to Walgreens to pick up a prescription and didn't get home until just shy of 5:30, I was ravenous and about to lose my mind if I didn't eat soon. Scott got home and, lovely man that he is, cooked us some hot dogs before he left to go for a run.

Gavin ate most of his hot dog in the bun and finished it off out of the bun and is now eating his weight in potato chips. Colin drank a whole lot of milk and started in on his chips but I don't think he'll touch that hot dog tonight. Just ask the kids, they'll tell you, their mom is ALL OVER the healthy eating these days.

I hate that I'm so tired from a long ass day at work that I just don't care what they're eating. But... Colin came home in a dry diaper. Gavin helped out with his little brother. They both gave me bunches of hugs and kisses when I picked them up today. I plan to do copious amounts of hugs and snuggles after they finish their horrible, not nutrient-rich dinner. Things could be worse.

successes!

Colin is 2. He will be 3 in February, not entirely 2 months away anymore. I was starting to think the kid would head to kinder in diapers. He just did not seem to care that his diaper was wet or full of a big nasty poop or anything.

We started putting him in pull-ups (left over from Gavin), then underpants when we ran low, last weekend maybe? I watched the clock and sat him down every 30 minutes or less. He would go pee no problem. Yay! But come time to poo? 2-3 times a day I was dumping a nasty turd out of underpants because he never had to go when I had him on the littly potty.

The little potty is currently in the living room - gag - because he was much more amenable to sitting there with the rest of us around. It will move back to the bathroom really very super soon. I hope.

This weekend, we've started having more success. Colin's undies have been dry (and if we go out somewhere and I put him in a diaper, it stays dry too!) pretty much all weekend. He's pooped *in the potty* more than he has out of it, and yesterday he started to go while playing (first floor puddle, fun) but told us and finished on the potty. We're getting there!

Today, while finishing his lunch/playing with his Happy Meal toy at the table (they were good when we went up to my classroom, they got a treat, disgusting but they love it) I ran to the office for a second. Colin yelled "I need to go pee pee potty!" so I ran back, yanked down the undies, and had him sit right down. He needed to pee AND poop, and he did, and it was all in the potty, and I sat there with a big idiot grin so ridiculously awesomely fantastically happy that he'd finally told me he needed to go BEFORE HE WENT.

We are not out of the potty training trenches. Not by a long shot. A looooooong shot, to be certain. Colin is afraid of the big potty (especially public toilets, public restrooms freak him out with the big loud flushes and the noise of the hand dryers and whatnot), so moving to the actual bathroom (and out of the living room) will be a series of steps. Going while out in public? I'm dreading that. It's a necessary hurdle, and one I wish we could jump without having Gavin along for the ride (he can be a cheerleader or a pestering fly, depending on his mood).

But we are making progress, and there is an end in sight to the diapers.

already?

Gavin turned 5 just before Christmas. The very next day, he came into the kitchen saying that his tooth was loose. I didn't believe it, until Scott tried to wiggle it and said that, sure enough, it was loose! I wiggled it myself, and then immediately burst into tears. Already? A loose tooth?

Sometime in the next day or two, I looked into Gavin's mouth at his teeth and noticed that his big boy adult teeth (yes, plural, there were two!) were growing in behind his bottom two teeth. And yes, the other bottom tooth was also wiggly. Holy growing up fast, batman!

Wednesday of this week, Gavin's loosest tooth was super wiggly. Overnight, apparently, it decided it was time, because his tooth fell out in his sleep. Luckily, Scott was able to find the tiny little thing somewhere in the tangle of Gavin's sheets and blankets in the top bunk bed. He put his tooth in the little green tooth chest the dentist gave him just over a week ago and waited through the day patiently to put it under his pillow for the tooth fairy that night.

Last night, the other tooth was barely hanging on. Worried about it also falling out in bed, Scott talked Gavin into letting him yank it out with dental floss. While we were on Skype with Grammy, Scott tied a bit of floss around the tooth and YANK! Nothing. The tooth hung on, the stubborn thing. They decided to try it again, since Gavin is super brave, and YANK! The tooth came out! G said it didn't hurt at all :)

The toothless wonder:

(picture coming soon! I just have to get it off my phone....)