Thursday, December 1, 2011

what a difference a year makes!

The boys opened up Day 1 of their lego Star Wars advent calendar today. Watching them put it together with Scott reminded me of Gavin putting together his first item from last year's Lego advent calendar. I had to dig up the pictures and video on my phone, and it was amazing to look at Gavin a year ago. He was 3, almost 4, and wow. Colin was 1, soon to be 2. And still basically bald!

This video is about 2 and a half minutes long. Big Gavin and Colin fans, you can watch the whole thing, but even just the first little bit shows you how different he was and how much they've both grown.


Here's a picture of them putting together this year's calendar. Last year we kept it up on a
dresser to keep Colin out of it, but this year it's on the boys' table in the office. They can get to it to play with it whenever they want.



We have an elf on our shelf! He arrived yesterday and rested his weary self on a speaker in the living room after his long trek from the North Pole. We read all about him, and the boys decided to name him Quincy. I asked Gavin where in the world he heard that name, and he answered that it was on Little Einsteins. I didn't know he watched that show!

Here is a shot of Quincy, comfortably resting in the bathroom while he keeps up with whether the boys are naughty or nice.


After seeing Gavin and Colin in the video from last year, I had to get some video of them this year. Voila....


Did you notice that, according to Colin, Santa says "Yo ho ho!" ??? Pirate Santa!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

coming up on 6 months...

It's been almost 6 months since my surgery. As I have come to realize that milestone is just about here (Thursday!) it's bizarre that it's only been 6 months, since it feels like a lifetime has passed, and that it's been 6 whole long months, since it feels like it was yesterday. I know that makes no sense whatsoever.

Memories of that whole time are either crisp and clear or fuzzy and fading. I remember talking on the phone to my doctor and hearing the words "we see a small mass." I remember the feeling of terror, not knowing what that meant for me and my family and what would happen next, and I remember starting to shake as she told me to go home, pack a bag, and go to the emergency room, where she had a neurosurgeon already expecting me. I almost want to cry right now remembering it. I went out to my car, started crying, and called home - but I had to get off the phone before driving home, since my double vision + crying = holy unsafe driving conditions, Batman.

I remember pizza being ordered and my parents being home with the boys while Scott took me to the hospital. I remember being admitted into the ER and Scott staying with me in the room while nurses came and went. The nurses had spoken with my doctor and seemed to know what was going on with me, but I didn't. All I knew still was what I'd heard on the phone from my primary care doctor. Oh, and this whole time we were listening to someone, somewhere else in the ER, vomit loudly and seemingly painfully. It was finally later that the neuro doc came in and talked to us. I remember trusting him right away, which was a big relief. I didn't know what was happening now and what would happen next, but I trusted that this man would take care of me. I think I just had to.

I was finally admitted to a room upstairs on the 4th floor. I think it was maybe around midnight? That kind of stuff is fuzzy. I know that on Saturday I wasn't allowed to eat until after I had a procedure, and that sucked. Afterwards I had to lay completely flat, and I tried to eat a sandwich (a BLT?) and because the bread was toasted I was *covered* in breadcrumbs. All in my neck. Very uncomfortable!

The thing that's sticking out for me, as I take my trip down memory lane, is how I felt as I was going into surgery. I'd not really thought about "I can do this" or "I can't do this" because I *had to* do this. There was never any discussion about "Do we want this? What are our options?" It was just understood that, with a tumor the size of a tangerine in my brain, it had to come out. I remember getting wheeled down to surgery on the wheelie bed. I remember Scott and my mom sitting with me pre-op, and I remember being terrified but resigned as they inserted something in my IV. Then I remember blinking and thinking (and saying) "I can't do this." And Scott told me, "babe, it's done, you're out of surgery." And I don't know if I cried right then. But I think I did. I remember bursting into tears and being held while I cried, but if that happened directly after I woke I know I was super duper totally stoned on medications and I can't be perfectly sure how it all went down. I know I didn't cry for long, but it had to come out, and it did. Then it was on to getting stronger and better.

And I am.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

goodbye "Gawan"

Colin has said Gavin as "Gawan" for as long as I remember him being able to say his brother's name. Yesterday, I noticed him really enunciating "GaVin," especially the v. Gav told me that he and Blake and Allison were helping Colin learn to say it correctly. As sweet as that it, it's always sad when one of the "baby" ways of saying something starts to fade away.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

t-ball



Gavin played fall ball this year, and today was their tournament. It was a single elimination tournament, so once the team lost they were finished. Our game was at 9am, so it was nice outside for the boys to play. Warming up but still cool enough to be comfortable.

Gavin played catcher at first. He loves to play catcher and will request to do so whenever possible. It's the only infield position he played this season! He spends a lot of time in the outfield :)


I got video of Gavin at his first at-bat, and for some reason the video is horrible. Why my camera had to act up, I don't know, but you can see him hit even with the wonkiness. The video did show him running to first but that's not visible now.



I also got video of Gavin running to home during that same at-bat. Thankfully, that video turned out just fine!!


The game was neck and neck. There is a 5-run limit each inning, so after 4 innings the teams were tied 20-20. Sudden death in t-ball is interesting. Each team starts with a runner on 2nd base, and you play until there is an out. Switch and repeat. We fielded first, and the other team scored 3 runs before Gavin's team got one of them out at first base. Then we were up at bat, and one of Gavin's teammates had one of the most beautiful hits I've ever seen at one of his t-ball games. Somehow, it went directly to a member of the other team, who caught it! So there was their one out, with no points scored, meaning the other team won the game. Gavin's team was thus out of the tournament. (Don't tell Gavin, but I was so relieved - I don't think Colin had it in him to sit through another t-ball game!)

Here's the team, kids and coaches, posing with their banner after the game:


Gavin had a great time playing with these kids. They were a really good group. G is the youngest on the team at not yet 5, and the rest of them are 5 and 6. The boys took good care of him and were always great about including him. I'm not going to miss going to practice every week and going to games every Saturday, but I am going to miss how happy Gavin was whenever we went to t-ball and how much fun he had. He will soon be counting down until the spring season begins!

Friday, October 21, 2011

I love you, sweet boy

Our bedtime has a very standard routine, night after night. After we read a story in the bottom bunk together, Gavin climbs the ladder to the top bunk. I'll climb up, tuck him in, kiss and hug, then we share I love yous. Next comes Colin - he insists on being the last one tucked in - and we do the same thing. Tuck in, kiss and hug, and share I love yous.

I didn't realize I always said "Good night, sweet boy" until he came back at me with "Good night, sweet girl." It comes out more like "good night sweet gwiw" since his l's and r's are still w's, which is really even cuter. Last night I said "good night sweetheart" and he replied "good night sweetheart girl."

I love those boys so fiercely it hurts. In a good way.

Friday, October 14, 2011

dinosaurs!


Okay, really, how is one person so ridiculously talented? Gramma Joy has again created the most amazing Halloween costumes for the boys. We got a big box from UPS today and opened it after we got home. We unearthed 3 dinosaur costumes - a green one for Gavin, a blue one for Colin, and a pink and purple one for Nora (who is our adorable and awesome neighbor but who has not yet seen the cuteness that is her new dino costume). The boys HAD to put their dinosaurs on to try them out:

I took the boys into my bathroom to look in the full length mirror to get a peek of how they looked. Both of Gavin's hands shot to his mouth as he looked in awe at the sight before him. He was speechless. And grinning like crazy. Colin noticed that his dinosaur has wings, so he started running around, yelling "flap! flap!" Both boys commenced chasing each other, roaring, and trying to attack each other with their tails.

I made them take off the dino ensembles before dinner so they didn't get yucky and covered with food. Hopefully they are not yet completely covered in dog hair! I cannot WAIT for Halloween so they can show off their costumes!!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

tumor pictures

Okay, if you don't want to see pictures of this horrible big thing that my doctor removed from my brain, close your browser now.

The images below are from the MRI done on May 14, the day after I was admitted to the hospital. My neurologist showed me this scan when he told me about the procedure he planned to do. It was surreal.

I have since had post-operative scans that show my brain is healing awesomely. It's spreading out to retake the space that had been stolen by the invading forces of the tumor. The swelling inside is going down nicely.

These first 3 pictures show slices of the scan going from the top of my head down:




This last picture is from the side - the tumor was on the right side, just behind my eye, hence the double vision:


Holy shit. I am so glad that thing is gone.

Monday, June 13, 2011

update on stuff

Things are good! I am stronger and I don't get tired as easily. No more headaches from the healing inside my brain, but I do still get headaches from the outside of my head healing. They had to cut my jaw muscle (the chewing muscle by my ear) so I still can't open my mouth super wide (yawning hurts!) but it's healing and getting better. The area where they had to separate muscle from bone during surgery is where I get sore, usually at the end of the day, and I usually go to sleep with a kiddie ice pack. Luckily, it doesn't really bother me during the day. It's just when I'm in bed and not doing anything and I'm tired that I feel it.

Today will be a test of my energy level - the boys are home with me today, and Scott will be at work! They've been going to the babysitter's house the past 2 weeks since school let out, and starting today they're home with me full time. I'm excited to spend time with them and have our world back to normal, but I'm nervous about how exhausted I'll be by the time Scott gets home! I have an appointment at 3pm today so Scott's sister Beth is coming over to watch the boys. As much as I'm not looking forward to going to an oncologist (though I do want to hear more about exactly what this tumor was and what I'm looking forward to in the future) I think I will need a break away from the kids to rest! :)

I've been doing really well. Before surgery, I could stay in bed all morning and then get back in a few hours later for a nap. Now, I'm up at 6:45-7am (today I was up before the boys) and only if it's been a really busy day (like yesterday, yard work and swimming) do I need a nap. I've been pretty much just in the house for the past couple of weeks, since I wasn't able to drive, but now I'll be doing more with the kids home. We have several play dates planned, and thank goodness for that, other people's kids can entertain them! I'm trying to get some crafty stuff together for us to do, but the kids really just like to play with action figures these days :)

Gavin no longer takes a nap, so I'm thinking that while Colin naps in the afternoon we'll have "school" time. Math seems to happen at dinner (this kid is sharp, I am so screwed), and we can read anytime, so nap work will most likely be a lot of handwriting practice. He doesn't like to write (his daddy is the same, his handwriting is abhorrent) but I want to help him work on holding his pencil correctly before he goes to school. Pencil grip is set in place by age 5 or 6 and it's ridiculously difficult to change the habit afterwards. I fight kids at school constantly on that front!

All in all, things are fabulous. I am an entirely different person than I was in the 6 months or so before surgery. I have energy, I am happy, I want to interact with my family and friends, I want to be a part of things. It's good.

Enough about me - I started this blog to chronicle how things were going with the boys, and I have totally hijacked it with my brain tumor crap. Sorry!

Gavin finished his t-ball season while I was in the hospital. I missed his last game and closing ceremonies :( He loved t-ball, and he even got a certificate for most improved hitter from his coach! Now he's back in swimming lessons (we had stopped because it interfered with t-ball games on Saturdays) and he's doing really well. We didn't sign Colin up this time because there wasn't an opening in a parent/child class at the same time as Gavin's class, but we checked this weekend and there is 1 opening for each at 10:30am, so we're hoping no one takes them and we can move both boys to that time slot and both can take swim lessons. (Wow, holy run on sentence Batman!) Colin kept asking to get in the pool on Saturday when we were watching Gavin. We took the boys to our neighborhood pool yesterday, and Colin wasn't excited about getting completely under the water. He had a blast, though, with me holding him and kicking his legs. I think once he's back in swim lessons he'll warm up to it all soon.

What this blog needs is PICTURES! I've been taking pictures with my phone and usually they get posted on Facebook. Dumb FB is why I never update the blog, it's an immediate update. This summer I will try to take more pictures (these kids are growing so fast!) and post them online. A girl's gotta have goals!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

doctor checkup

Today we saw my neurosurgeon for the first time since I left the hospital. My stitches are gone (yay!) so I can now take a shower and get the incision site wet. A real shampoo, not just part of my head at a time! I have not looked forward to anything this much in a long time.

My double vision has come back a bit, so my doctor put me in contact with an opthamologist here in town. He said that they might possibly do corrective lenses, vision therapy, or something else of the sort to help me sort out my vision. And apparently my change in sense of smell is not unheard of and hopefully will get back to normal. I would totally like for that to be the case.

We asked if we could have a copy of my pre-op MRI and they said that they can burn it to a CD for us. I have another MRI scheduled for this Friday to see how things look post-op. The CT they did the day after the surgery (at 4am, that was pleasant) was amazing to see - my brain had filled up the space the tumor had occupied already. Wild.

Monday, May 30, 2011

brain tumor. seriously.


Okay, I'm going to write the whole thing out. This is going to be long! But with lots of badly focused phone camera pictures, so you can see it all.

I had been having tailbone pain for a couple of years, since I was pregnant with Colin. I saw an orthopedist and he prescribed pain killers to help me deal with the daily discomfort. I took them as needed, careful to not take too much and make myself a zombie. Then I was having a rough time sleeping and my family doctor prescribed sleeping pills to help me fall and stay asleep. This is background for what happened next.

On a Thursday in early May (it was May 5th), I noticed at recess in the afternoon that I was seeing double. There was a girl in a bright pink shirt on the playground at school, and I was seeing 2 of her. I was confused, but I slept on it hoping it was a one-time thing. Nope. The next day it was still there. I took one of my pain killers that morning, but didn't take any more after that. I thought it might be a side effect of the medication. Scott did some research online and found that double vision could be a side effect of the sleeping pills I'd been taking, so that Saturday was the last time I took any of those. I called my family doctor and went to see her on Monday. Double vision is not something I was going to ignore. Driving was unsafe - I had to close one eye as I drove to see only one of everything. My doctor said to wait it out that week to see if quitting the medications I'd been taking would even things out. By Friday, though, it wasn't any better. If anything, it was worse. Looking back now, I realize I'd been having some terrible headaches. I got dizzy from bending over. I was constantly exhausted. My doctor called me back Friday after I called with the update that things were not getting better. She had scheduled a CT scan for me at a place here in town, and I had to be there after work. Scott picked up the kids from the babysitter and my parents were driving in from Dallas to see Gavin's t-ball game the next day.

I went to the radiology place and they did the head CT. I waited for my doctor to see the scans, and then they told me she was on the phone to talk to me. When I heard the words "we see a small mass" my eyes teared up and the panic started, but I had to keep myself calm to hear what to do next. She told me to pack a bag and plan for a few days. I was to head to the ER and Dr. Kim would be expecting me (neurosurgeon). Wow. I went to my car in the parking lot and called Scott, trying to tell him without losing it. My parents had arrived and pizza was ordered for dinner, so I just needed to pull it together enough for the drive home. Thank goodness I keep tissues in the car.

After dinner, I packed a bag and Scott and I headed to the ER at North Austin Medical Center. My parents stayed home with the boys and got them into bed. Knowing they were taken care of was such a relief for me. We checked in at the ER and waited for a while, but then I was called back and they did all the routine triage stuff. I was put in an ER room, they put in an IV, and started me on steriods to reduce swelling. Everyone around me seemed to know what was going on in my head except for me. The nurse had talked to Dr. Kim, but I hadn't, and it was frustrating to not know what I was facing. We were in the ER for a while, but finally Dr. Kim came into the room. He explained that there was a mass in my brain, where it was located, and that we would be going to surgery on Tuesday. I was going to be admitted and moved upstairs once a room was available.

I was finally admitted and moved to a room, and the nurses took such good care of me. Nurses do so much. They are amazing.

On Saturday I had an MRI of my head and also of my entire spine. Knowing I'd been experiencing tailbone pain, they wanted to be certain that there wasn't a tumor on my spine. As I was being wheeled back to my room from the MRI we passed Dr. Kim in the hallway and he said he'd come up to discuss the scans with me later that day. Saturday evening he came to my room and took me to a computer at the nurse's station to look at the MRI. Holy cow, there was a 6cm x 4cm tumor in my head. It was located behind my right eye, and apparently was putting pressure on the optical nerve or something of the sort which was causing the blasted double vision. Luckily, it had a good margin (outline), and it wasn't reaching fingers out into other parts of the brain. Dr. Kim told me that we needed to do a cerebral angiogram (where they inject dye to see the vascular systems) so that he could know what kinds of vascular issues he'd be facing in surgery - that would be on Sunday. No eating after midnight!

So, Sunday morning I chatted with visitors but didn't eat (boo! hiss!). At about 11? noon? they wheeled me to the angiogram. They injected dye in the groin area and watched it on monitors (I could see it, it was so interesting to watch on the screen). Afterwards he used some sort of angioseal where he'd put the dye in the artery, and because of it I had to lay completely flat for several hours after the procedure. Ever tried eating a BLT sandwich laying completely flat? Oh, so many crumbs fell into my neck and onto the bed!

Monday was spent playing the waiting game. The boys came up to see me after I took a shower, and the IV in my elbow bled a little under the clear plastic tape that was over it. Gavin took one look at that and shrank back from me. The look on his face broke my heart. Colin barreled over and buried his face in my lap. Hospital beds that move are great bribery for kids to come sit next to Mommy. They thought it was the coolest toy!

Tuesday - surgery was scheduled for the morning, so they came pretty early to get me prepped. I got back into the oh-so-fashionable hospital dress and took out my contacts, then they wheeled me down to the prep room. This first picture is of me and Scott right before they gave me a cocktail that knocked me out almost instantly.

Really - they put it in my IV, and I felt like I blinked. I said, "I don't think I can do this," and they told me, "Annie, you're out of surgery." That was surreal.

You can see the iodine or whatever they use to sterilize my face. It's a good color on me, right? I believe these next pictures are me right out of surgery, I don't know if the breathing tube came out after I was in ICU or before, when I woke up it was gone and I could talk. Thank goodness - y'all know me, I have to be able to talk!


This picture shows the totally swollen shut eye. That was so uncomfortable! And don't you love the bandages? The nurse in ICU called it the "soap opera bandage."


Wearing glasses was difficult with the bandage on my head! As blind as I am, I really needed to have them. After surgery, things smelled different. They still do sometimes. The boys' shampoo smells differently to me, now, and it's Johnson's Baby Shampoo. That has been hard to wrap my mind around. Some things (like Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereal) taste differently too. Weird.


Still in ICU (you can see the sliding doors in the next picture). They almost never remembered to close that door all the way! I swear, ICU nurses had a party at all hours of the day and night. They are a chatty bunch! Thank goodness for Will, he made me a milkshake when I was ready to try eating something. It was so very tasty. With the swelling and bruising, I wasn't able to open my mouth very widely, and chewing hurt. So a milkshake was heaven.

Here you can see the ponytail sticking up from the top of the bandages. Oh man, wait until you see how crazy that ponytail got after the bandages came off!


I'm awake here! I spent a good portion of my time in the ICU asleep. Until someone would come in to check my temperature, or the blood pressure cuff around my arm would randomly inflate and check my blood pressure, or they brought more medication. My right eye is actually a bit open, the swelling is going down really quickly. Hooray!


Dr. Kim came to check up on me in the ICU and he removed my soap opera bandage to take a look at everything underneath. This next picture shows just exactly why neurosurgeons do not make good hair dressers.

I was moved upstairs to a room 2 doors down from my first room on Thursday. Oh, it was so nice to be out of the ICU! I took my first peek at myself in the mirror when I got up to go pee for the first time myself (in the ICU I had a catheter, sorry, TMI). I was pleasantly surprised at how normal I looked, because I felt like I looked like the Michelin man on the right side of my face. Oh, but the hair! Out of control.

On Saturday my mom and Scott brought the boys up to see me for the first time since Monday. I was terrified that the boys were going to be afraid of me.
Gavin had freaked out with the IV that first time, a
nd by Saturday I'd had a gazillion IVs as well as attempted IVs that didn't work out, so my forearms were bruised to high heaven. My veins had decided they'd had enough. So, before the boys arrived I put a bandana on over my crazy bandage and wild hair. When they got there, I asked if they wanted pirate bandanas as well. Duh, of course, Mom! So we all got dolled up and posed for a picture.


Gavin got tired of wearing his, and he took it off. I asked if he wanted to see what my head looked like under mine, and he said he did. I took off my bandana and bent down for him to look. He was fascinated and (thankfully) not afraid or freaked out. Whew.

Colin really liked pushing buttons on the bed. "I push button, Mommy." Alright, buddy, have fun!



The nurses removed my white bandage strip after they realized it was sitting about an inch off of my head! They were putting neosporin on the incision/stitches, and wow did they really goop the stuff on.


Here is a gory look at the incision site up close. I guess we can be thankful it's a blurry camera phone picture, right?


And here is the view from the side. The stitches go right down to my ear. Is that some messy hair or what?? When I took the pony tail out at home to take a shower and wash the hair on the back of my head, the pony tail stayed even without the rubber band. Ew!



I feel like a brand new person. I have energy (though it gets used up quickly) and I feel more alive. I look back on the past year or so, and I wasn't myself. I wasn't the me I wanted to be. I was crankier, I was tired, I was removed from my family and friends. Now I want to be a part of things, I don't look for ways to get out of emptying the dishwasher or doing laundry, I want to live my life. Maybe part of that comes from having a major life scare, but really it's more about attitude here and I feel like now I have a positive one. This is a feeling I'm happy to hold on to.

People have been more kind than I can say during this whole ordeal. Folks from school have signed up to bring us dinners, and friends have helped out in so many ways it's unreal. Today, my team at school met on Memorial Day, a holiday, to move all my things out of my current classroom into the new room I'll be in next year. All my junk, it was moved in ONE HOUR! I love my OTE family.

The tumor was initially called a meningioma, but the pathologist called back and said, no, it's actually something different and more rare, hypermeninparisitoma maybe? Scott knows the name of it, I must have misheard the doctor on the phone because what I wrote down that he said doesn't exist anywhere that I've found. We go tomorrow to get my stitches out (yay!!!) and learn more about the tumor. I have an appointment in mid-June with an oncologist to discuss it and look at possible other treatments, see if radiation will be necessary, all that fun stuff. Meanwhile, life goes on.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

laundry fun with kids

So, the boys have apparently reached the age where they put stuff (random weird stuff) in their pockets. And leave it there. For me to find when I do the laundry. Yesterday I found a piece of mulch in the dryer. Today, while doing another load, I thought to ask Gavin if he's been picking up rocks while playing baseball keeping them. I mentioned the mulch - he said he picked it up at his school. "It's my pretend walkie-talkie!" he declared, offended that I didn't understand as much from the get go. Oh, I love that kid and his imagination. I can just see him on the playground at his school, talking into his pretend walkie-talkie....

Saturday, April 2, 2011

commercials are dumb

Okay, so we generally watch our TV shows off the DVR rather than live ... grown up shows, kid shows, all of it. Today Gavin was watching some Saturday morning cartoons (not being recorded, we couldn't fast forward through the commercials) and now, all morning since, I've been told - repeatedly - that Gavin wants Sketchers shoes. "I want those!" is the refrain any time he's allowed to see the commercials during a kid show. Argh. Oh, and also? He gets so irritated when I fast forward through the commercials. He wants to watch them, and I cramp his style by using the remote to bypass the glitzy commercials. Poor kid.....

Friday, April 1, 2011

at the park with Kelly


Kelly took the boys to the park today. Gavin is the cutest around, isn't he? He smiles so nicely for Kelly when she takes pictures. All the pictures I take have him smiling in a weird way.

Right now, G is pretending to play baseball in the living room, using a plastic bowling pin as a bat. "Pincher pinch, batter bat!" he yells out before swinging. Funny little man.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

wordle

Wordle: blog So my first graders did a neat project using wordle and it was so cool. Anyway, you can enter the link to a website and it will create a wordle for you. If you use particular words more frequently, they will show up bigger. Guess what I talk about a lot?? My kids (the school ones) had a blast entering their word lists they kept while reading Donavan's Word Jar. I posted their wordle creations on my teacher website. Have a look if you want!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Colin loves Star Wars too!

Okay, so Gavin has been a Star Wars kid for a while now. And, monkey see monkey do, Colin is also turning into a Star Wars fiend. They love to play together with their light sabers, they love to watch the movies and the Clone Wars TV show, and they *love* to play with the Star Wars action figures Gavin got from Gramma Joy for Christmas.

Colin can name all the figures! Check it out: