outside in the afternoon

As I was getting Colin ready for his nap (thank the universe he still takes one in the afternoons!), Gavin came over with my camera and asked if he could take some pictures. He had a blast taking pictures in the back yard. I told him that we could pick his favorite to put online. Here it is:

I had to get in on the action, too, so I stole the camera for a quick shot of the 2 of us:

After picture taking lost its fun, Gavin finally decided he was ready to try jumping out of the swing. He's watched me do it a gazillion times, but he's always been a bit nervous to try it himself. Today was the day! After a step-by-step tutorial, of course :) Success!

hair

We women can get so very involved with our hair, can't we?

When I had my brain surgery, they had to do some shaving of the head. They shaved from the temple on my left side, close to the hairline on my forehead, then down behind my ear. That's where they had to cut into my head to take out the big honking tangerine sized mass I was evicting from my skull. Next step, bad ass stitches, leading directly to "oh a cool scar!" which I was able to show people for a while since all the hair had been shorn off. The healthy, no cut apart and resown together skin kept all of it's hair, and that hair continued to grow nicely. The shaved off just to make work room for the surgeon hair started and continued to grow also. Radiation therapy began about a month or so later, and that was 5 days a week for 6 weeks. It was, hmm, halfway through that treatment that I felt my first chunk of hair fall out. I was home alone, Scott was out of town, the boys were sleeping, and I was sitting on the couch by the window, reading quietly. I absentmindedly ran my hand through my hair, and my hand came away with a lock of hair that had very recently been attached to my scalp. I just held it out in front of me, unwary and unsure of what to do with it. I don't think I'll need a visual aid to remember losing that hair. I've got that memory quite well burned into my brain.

By the end of radiation I was pretty much finished with losing hair noticibly (I was almost completely bald on the right side of my face, hairline and nearly 2 inches out from the hairline were sparse. On the left side it was certainly there but not quite as naked and bald. I was amazingly lucky that I got to keep the rest of all that hair (I have quite a lot!), and it was time for scarves and bandanas and headbands. And hats.

As much as I hated even the thought of pictures of myself during the whole ordeal , I look back now and wish that someone hadn't listened to me. Because I couldn't see myself much in the hospital - they finally brought a mirror over so I could catch a glimpse of my swollen, torn-up self in the ICU.

I still, almost a year later, struggle with cameras and pictures. I need to document what I look like through all of these changes. My shorty short hairs are growing in, quickly, and in all different places and layers and even different colors/textures. Aside from my hair, I've also joined WeightWatchers and lost about 30lbs. I've started running. My life is changing, my body is changing, and my mind is changing.

As I was sitting in the bathroom this evening, pondering what to do to fix the wild mess that is the hair framing my face, it struck me how ridiculous I am. I have hair. It's got some issues, but I have hair, healthy beautiful hair. My scar, though it is so very cool to see, is hidden under all that hair.

I don't know why hemangiopericytoma decided it needed to get cozy inside my skull, so very cozy right up on my optic nerve. I don't know how hemangipericytoma works. My doctors do, though, so now that we're almost at the 1-year mark for removal of the tumor it's nearly time for a full body scan to see if that rat bastard tumor sent any friends out to hang on elsewhere inside this rockin hot bod. I see that doc on Friday the 13th and will report back.

It hit me today that things could have gone down an entirely different path. I do not frequently allow myself to walk the "could have been" road, because it opens floodgates of thoughts and feelings I usually do not allow myself to have. So, today, I thought about how thankful I am for all I have and for all that I am. I watched my kids through a different lens today, enjoying them with the understanding that I could have had to miss it all.

Life is a gift. A precious, delicate, smelly, nonsensical gift. Given with no direction or instruction, life begins and then we are cared for until we can more or less take care of ourselves, at which time we lose our minds and make more of ourselves that we then have to learn to care for, and the cycle goes on and on and on....

It's a gift. I have this gift now. For all I know, I will continue to enjoy this gift for many more decades. If, somehow, that changes, I want to know that I embraced my gift and my life.

not quite perfume...

The boys get so sweaty. Colin wakes up with damp, sweaty hair from his nap. Gavin plays outside for all of 3 minutes and he's dripping. In just a few years, that sweaty smell is going to become a stinky nastiness. I know this. So, for now, I am relishing the sweet smell of sweaty little boys.

Colin has always been snuggly. He'll run up - "Mommy, can I sit in your lap?" - during just about any activity. Just now, he climbed into my lap and happily sat there, playing with his fire truck, while I sniffed his sweaty little head. He's still soft and little-boyish, with those cheeks I still want to nom on. But he's thinning out as he gets taller.

Gavin's not as much of a snuggle bug as Colin, or he wasn't when he was littler, but he does enjoy a good cuddle and will ask "wanna snuggle?" whenever there's a chance (and no little brother around to get in the way) on the couch. He's getting to be all lines and angles as he gets bigger and more big-boyish, so it can be hard to really cuddle him, but I do my best to hold him as tight as I can.

It's so weird, I know, but I could sniff my little boys all day long. Well, except for when they emit certain smells, which is all too often, but that's an entirely different post......

potty training woes

The woes are all mine. Colin is doing a great job - he lets me know when he needs to go, he stays dry during naps and at night (though he's still in a pull-up at night, more for our sanity and peace of mind than anything else), all that.

BUT. He still needs help getting up on the toilet, so he can't go alone. He sits on a potty seat with a pee guard and he can't climb up without assistance. He won't direct his pee into the toilet himself so I can't take the pee guard off, unless I want pee spray all over my bathroom.

C wants to stand to pee now. Which is fantastic! Except that he likes to lean back while doing it, so he gets pee everywhere - back of the toilet, then dribbled down his legs and into his underwear.

I hereby relinquish hold of the potty training effort and pass the torch to Scott. He pees standing up, after all, and can pass on all of his wisdom to the next generation.

spring break day 1

When I put the boys to bed last night, I reassured them that they did not need to run in and wake me up in the morning - I'm on spring break, after all! - and that they could play in their room or the living room without alerting me to their status as awake.

This morning, I heard the *slam* of their door, followed by the slapslapslap of kid feet, that usually heralds the arrival of "MOM! I'M AWAKE!" and two big eyes staring at me by my nightstand. Today, though, the rude awakening didn't arrive. What I heard was a muffled sound of hand-held video games from the other room.

When Gavin got up a while later, he joined in the game playing on the other DS (thankyouSam). After a while he was upset by something (not sharing of a game? I dunno, I was in bed!) and I heard him announce "I'm going to get Mommy." Colin answered with "No you can not. Mommy is sleeping."

So Gavin stayed away, and they worked it out. By themselves. As I lay there in bed, I cherished that moment - because I know there will not be another like it for about 7 years - and enjoyed the extended stay in my bed. I didn't get up until 8am!!!!!

After a leisurely morning, it was time to get out of the house for a bit. The boys rode their scooters with me to the park. It was deserted so the kids had the run of the place.

Gavin tried climbing this thing the last time we went to the park, and he was terrified. I climbed it to show him it was okay, and it seemed to help him see that he'd be fine, and ever since he's been more and more sure of himself while climbing it. (I do not like ladders. That thing scares the bejeebus out of me. I'm so glad it's getting easier for him so I do not ever have to climb it, ever again.)

Very proud of himself up at the top!!


Colin still runs with his one arm pumping more than the other. I caught it in action!


They were playing pirates. Like Gavin's pirate "Argh!" face?

Here, after Colin tells us that a pirate says "Arrgh!" I ask him again what a pirate says. I'm looking for him to repeat "Ahoy ladies!" but with no luck. Maybe next time!

Colin's pirate voice is hilarious!

too soon

Tomorrow is Kinder Round-Up in RRISD.

Scott has signed up for a time to go in and register my baby for kindergarten. How is that possible?

I mean, yeah, he turned 5 in December and promptly lost 2 teeth. He can read the Bob books pretty easily. He can count to 100. He is learning to form letters and can already spell words orally (which means he's breaking my code, dammit).

It will be awesome to have him at school with me (he'll travel to my school rather than going to the neighborhood school). I will get to see him more and be more involved. That part, I am so very looking forward to. Also the learning thing. I'm a fan.

But the "being old enough for kindergarten" part? This whole school-age thing? For the birds.